Browse Professor Quotes

eh, eh, eh, Barbie! Barbie! Barbie!
—Mark Haggerty, Honors 211, discussing the insatiability of humans
I am convinced that learning new stuff about stuff is the most fun you can have with your clothes on...
—Dr. Fort, CHY 431, His thoughts about learing about biochemistry
If it looks like I am drunk, I probably am.
—Professor Baker, regarding how he cured his headcold.
blah blah blah... I use to live down the street from Madonna.
—Professor Tessier
...and in conlcusion successful college students use soap, so don't forget to use your soap or else you'll be a failure
—Professor Ann Smith, telling a story about an old college roomate who never used soap and flunked out
Is it Good? Spaghetti is long.
—Professor John Wilson responding to a student's remark that a particular paragraph was too long.
Hey big blue anthology, what is Truth!?
—Professor Steve Evans, Eng 271, discussing what platonic truth is not
Something funny!
—Professor Jolt, History 101: History of The Daily Jolt
'Today, we will discuss breakfast and schizophrenia'
—John Ringo, BIO 464
Are these real words?
—Elaine Ford - Creative Writing - On being shown a creative essay written in Shakespearean style old English.
They tell me I can't smoke in the building...You see the error there? I CAN smoke in the building.
—Prof. Colin Martindale, PSY 305
You have to show respect to the butt shake. You have to allow these people to morally own the butt shake.
—Dr. Laverty, PAA 327 Env. Policy, Management, and Reg.
Learning stuff about stuff is about the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
—Dr. Raymond Fort, CHY 431
Who?
—Elaine Ford - Creative Writing - On being asked if she had ever read any of Alexandre Dumas' (author of the Three Musketeers) works.
You have to keep it wet. It's very important, just stick it in your mouth and lick it. This is a very important moment-the whole band is going daaa da da da dadadadadadad (shakes head really fast so face wiggles) and you're there!
—Mr. Farnham, Symphonic Band, when the saxophones said they couldn't come in because their reeds were dry.
You should all be able to remember voltage and current divisino when you're driving the big bus on Sat. night...
—Prof. Duane Hanselman, ECE 209, in regards to fat chicks.
I use my asteroids and I eat them, too.
—~Professor Batuski, in reference to two potatoes used in an Astronomy demo
'I, Hamlet the Dane, have returned'...ooh...
—Prof. Richard Brucher, ENG 453, on a Shakespearean play
*draws a circle on the board* This is a circle. *draws a straight line next to the circle* This is a line. *draws a tangent line on the circle, then draws an X at the very end of the line* This is a tangent, and where I am right now.
—Robert Avery, after getting horribly off-topic in CMJ 103
We didnt know that we didnt know what we didnt know.
—Professor Comins, AST 109: INTRODUCTION TO ASTRONOMY
I'm a physicist, what do I care about anything?
—Professor Bernhardt, PHY 122
If you're not here, say...
—Steve Evans, ENG 440: On taking attendance
And folks, once we get the equation in this form, we can go hog wild - literally!
—Professor Bill Bray, on Differential Equations
The Executive producer is the one that sits in a big house in hollywood surrounded by piles of cocaine and lots of dancing naked people. thats my job. thats what i do.
—Raphael DiLuzio, New Media
Over in Europe they love mathematicians. When I was in Normandy I could go around to all the bars and they would give me a free drink. By the time I got through town I was pretty plastered.
—Professor Henry Pogorzelski MAT 101- Trying to explain that women don't like mathematicians
Your implication, Mr. Bologna, is false!
—Professor Pogorzelski, MAT 101, Something about Boolean Logic
Cheating is GOOD!
—Art Dept. Head James Linehan, ART 260, Watermedia
That's about all the time in class we have for today....let's all stampede out the door to the nearest brandy cabinet.
—Prof. Roscoe : ANT 102 Diversity of Cultures
Another one bites the dust.
—Dr. Ginger Hwalek, MUY 422, on finding out another student in the class got engaged.
...Maybe you will not be a shit head some day
—Professor Pogorzelski, MAT 101
Design your speeches like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting.
—Robert Avery - CMJ103
If you put meat into a machine and it gives you one hotdog, its a function. If you get two hot dogs, its a relation.
—Professor Pogorzelski, MAT 101, explaining the difference between functions and relations
Sure I'd like to bathe in cognac - why not? It smells good, it feels good, and it tastes good!
—Professor Michael Palmer
Aren't these desks neat, doesn't it look like you could just drive off in one of them?
—Professor Milardo, CHF 451
So I'd say that if you go home from work absolutely crazy at the end of the day, you're doing your job well.
—Professor Ippoliti, SWK 330
That little paper clip guy can go to hell!
—~Cynthia Richardson, HTY 103, when Clippy (the MS Word Paperclip) pops up unexpectedly during lecture
Why do I keep saying things that are going to end up on that damn website? How do I do denial of service attacks again?...
—Roy Turner, COS 470
Ok, we can have class outside - one one condition: I get to smoke.
—Professor Michael Palmer
It has big pictures, so you can all read it.
—Prof. David Townsend, SMS 100, on the course's textbook
There is no crying in Symphonic Band!!
—Curvin Farnham, Symphonic Band rehearsal, after a flute player bursts into tears
So, umm...Fifi has four legs, but that doesn't make her normal, or a dog. For all we know, she could be a cow!
—Professor Sharon Crook in MAT 127, demonstrating her own Calculus theorems
For the next ten minutes you can call me Carson Daly.
—Professor Todd Gabe, REP 471
Where's my doggy?!
—Professor Tom Wheeler, COS420, trying to find his animated assistant in Windows XP
See the junk is the extra material. The dress is the good stuff.
—Kevin Tracewski
I don't mean to divert like this, but I didn't get much sleep last night.
—Prof. Richard Brucher, ENG 453, on a Shakespearian play
Become one with your Big-Oh
—Larry Latour, COS 350
They all dress like . You know, with their pants down to their ankles. You can see their...you know. I won't say it. 'Asscrack!' Oops, I said it.
—Prof. Carlos Yordan, on London teenagers
All they want is your damn money!
—Anon teacher, in reference to UMO
IF you can't get on the internet just e-mail me
—Andrew Kahn
Come on in, I was just jacking off at the piano.
—Prof. Nancy Ogle
They go through life eating three peas!
—Prof. Klimis-Zacas, FSN 101, on models
Think of a battery as a ghetto for electron
—Prof. Markowsky COS 250 - Talking about logic circuits
Even Philosophy professors, deep down inside, believe Philosophy is bullshit.
—Michael Palmer, POS 201
Nu is the stoichiometric coefficient. You really should take the time and learn how to spell 'stoichiometric.
—Professor John Hassler, CHE 386, showing his love for the English lanugage
I can see we're going to have a lot of opiate addicts by mid-semester.
—Sam Van Aken, Scultpure II
If someone is not able to form a two-some with someone else, a three-some is ok, but i do perfer two-somes
—Prof. Greenwood Soc 101 (talking about us forming groups in class)
It's not like size matters right?
—Prof Nadeau, Art 110 in regards to art elements.
It's illegal to have a Groin in Maine.
—Joseph Chernosky, GES 101, talking about structures on coastlines that keep sand from eroding.
He invented calculus over break.
—Professor Charles Smith, PHY 121, on what Isaac Newton did during his college vacation.
Design your speeches like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting.
—Robert Avery - CMJ103
How many a's are in orifice?...That's right. Let's keep it that way.
—Professor John Hassler, CHE 360, discussing orifice meters
They go home and have nervous breakdowns and turn them in on Thursdays.
—Prof. Steve Evans, Eng 429: The Vital Word, explaining to a visiting poet portfolio assignments and their weekly deadline.
What organisms look similar to us? The Canadians and the French.
—Professor Irv Kornfield, Hon 211 lecture, on evolution
An extrovert Engineer is the one who looks at YOUR shoes when passing by in the lobby.
—Professor Eric Landis, MEE 453: Experimental Mechanics, illustrating the subtelty between breeds of Engineers.
Infinity + 3 only works for small values of inifinity
—Prof. Roy Turner on Math
The Dao can be found in a piece of shit.
—Honors 111 Lecture on Daoism
Try being more linearly extrapolitive.
—Ray Hintz, CET 101, who knows what he was talking about.
It's all about the drugs!
—Professor Larry Latour, COS 221, venting his frustration about the broken cappuccino machine in the union.
He disliked the tendency of women to have children when you slept with them.
—Prof. Tony Brinkley, on Rousseau
This is what my dog does when he is confused about something *turns his head to a side and grimaces*
Prof. Eric Landis - MEE 453
—Prof. Eric Landis - MEE 453, on looking at the class after explaining some stuff
Don't worry your mitochdria won't be driving in reverse!
—professor susan hunter BIO 100
Oboe is death to brain cells.
—Karel Lidral
What you didn't say is exactly right. Can anyone help him?
—Prof. Comins, AST 109
You folks who are not intelligent agents, you're not allowed to play with the others.
—Roy Turner, COS 470
Something tells me Queen Victoria never wore what they sell in Victoria's Secret.
—Prof. Steven Miller, HTY 106
It's Denmark. Who cares about Denmark? Nobody. All they have is good beer and maybe some okay cheese. Well, maybe not even that.
—Prof. Carlos Yordan, POS 359, Denmark-bashing
The tree would be very broad but very shallow--like most students.
—Prof. Larry Latour
Let me just wave my hands in broad, sweeping gestures.
—Prof. Bruce Segee
In an hour we'll be in a different state. Hopefully, I'll be in Getting Lunch State.
—Prof. Tom Wheeler, COS 400
...I am on drugs, I am on LSD, instead of chalk I see a snake...
—Prof. Markides, SOC 101, on culture
Macro is bullshit!
—Prof Tanguay, ECO 120: Microeconomics, 9/9/02
I have a biological ... err ... biology background. Heh, we all have biological backgrounds. Well, unless any of you are robots, in which case you should have done better on the last test!
—Roy Turner, COS 470
If I see you leave, I'll run after you, and beat you up.
—Dr. H.A. Pogorzelski, MAT105
Sorry, I usually don't talk about 'cycular' issues in class. We talk about oral sex sometimes in the intro classes though.
—Prof. Scott Lasley, POS 359, on menstruation
Computers are wonderful things, they're changing the world, blah, bluh-blah, bluh-blah...
—Prof. Bruce Segee, ECE 477
She's the grandson of Richard...
—Richard Brucher, ENG 453, on a Shakespearian play
We would be a puddle without shear stress
—Prof. Sandford, CIE 365 Intro to Soils
Your brain is a wet hamburger - flabby... You are getting fat just like your brain!!
—Professor Pogo, MAT101; in reference to our dumb class
A couple of vague questions, then some specific...we'll see if you can tell the difference.
—Prof. Richard Brucher, ENG 453, on a Shakespearean play
It'll be making a square circle
—Kelly Holyoke during explaining a dance sequence
Slavin - Do you think that's a chair?
Student - Would you like me to get off?
Slavin - No, but I would like to ride you around for a while.
—Professor Charlie Slavin, talking to a student sitting on a wheeled cart.
Definition of a university lecture: The process of getting the notes of the professor into the notebooks of the students without going through either's mind
—Dr. O'Connor WLE 220
...and when I cam back into society, it was like I was super stoned, with all the bright lights and people and everything ... you know the feeling?
—Louie Hall, MUE 215, on returning from a 3 day hunting trip in Canada
Where's your member?
—Prof. Judith Sasso-Mason, ART 280, searching for a missing person in a group project.
Voila, as the Chinese say.
—Professor Kenneth Ganza, ARH 270
Let me have just one more joint, then I'll be clean!
—Professor Bregman, in HON112 lecture, referring to St. Augustine just before he converted to Christianity
This is just popular crap.
—Prof. Richard Brucher, ENG 453, on a Shakespearian play
Chairness - the essential chair.
—Professor Bregman, in HON112 lecture
I woke up this morning when my cat was smoking a reefer and he blew it in my ear.
—A Certain Poetry Teacher, explaining why he looked high that morning
It's a rat, see. It has a long skinny tail. That's how you can tell.
—Professor Linda Yelland, PSY 100, on how to tell the difference between her cat and rat drawings

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